Love & Forgiveness - an essential combination

Note from Chuck: in last Wednesday's staff meeting I noted that it was Valentine's Day, a day our thoughts normally turn to love. I also pointed out that love, or lack of it, is one of the issues many of our hospice patients struggle with. Along with lack of love is usually a lack of forgiveness. I stated that the better lover we are, the better we are at forgiving and that I know from personal experience that on the days when I am not a good forgiver, I am also not a good lover. Over the week I felt there was so much more to be said—so here is more of what I think is so essential to understand about the relationship between loving and forgiving.

There is a direct and essential relationship between loving and forgiving: each is in direct proportion to the other. The better we are at forgiving, the better we are at loving. Likewise, when we are not good forgivers neither are we good lovers. And in the same way that a good lover takes the initiative in loving, so a good forgiver takes the initiative in forgiving. "It's always my turn to forgive" is a good rule of thumb for all of life.

"But why is it always me who has to take the initiative?" we ask. Is there not a time when we are entitled to demand, "I'll forgive you when you say you're sorry?" The answer is, again, that it's always our turn to forgive. "But that's not fair!" we cry.

I believe that if we look at the life and teachings of Jesus we'll see that fairness is not the issue. Christ-likeness is the issue. In other words, fairness is not always the high road, or the highest goal to which we are called. Christ-likeness is the goal and Christ-likeness begins at the cross where Jesus was crucified and the blood flowing from his wounds paid the price for the forgiveness of all people for all time.

So how can Christ-likeness be expressed when we are being maligned, attacked, persecuted, and even mentally crucified? Well, first we look at the example Jesus lived out for us: he was obedient to the Father. Here is the teaching from the 11th chapter of Romans:

Justice is mine, says the Lord. I will repay.
If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of the way they have treated you.
Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Jesus treated unfairness one way and one way only: he allowed the Father to take charge, knowing that the Father, whose wisdom is unsurpassed, will make all things right. The Father's justice leaves room for healing. Our human justice often leaves room for nothing more than increased revenge and even harder feelings.

A second thing about Christ-likeness is that we are called to bear Christ-like fruit, and scripture characterizes that fruit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Note: that kind of fruit ripens to fullness only when planted and fertilized by love and forgiveness. It is never the product of "getting even" or on demanding fairness.

When we sow anything other than love and forgiveness we are guaranteed a harvest of unChrist-likeness because the seeds we have sown have been contaminated by spiritual frostbite, spiritual drought, and spiritual dis-ease. We reap a contaminated crop of fruit because we have sown contaminated seeds from deep within our own being.

But sometimes we protest, "I'm not always capable of sowing love and forgiveness". We feel that we fall so short of the ideal that we become tired, discouraged, overwhelmed and want to give up.

Well, take heart!! Regardless of what we feel, the reality is that there is hope, joy, possibility—even victory! And here is the victory: to live Christ-likeness, to produce Christ-likeness, we must also live blamelessly before the Lord. Wow! That appears to be an even bigger order! So what do we do?!

The way we stand blameless before the Lord is to confess where we have fallen short, humbly ask for forgiveness, do our best never to let it happen again and trust the person and power of the Holy Spirit to guide our thoughts and actions to the higher road. Scripture tells us that once we have sought forgiveness, God restores us to relationship with Him and He remembers our sin no more. Plus! God's Word promises that God's blessings are new every morning. God always restores and renews.

No one trusted God's promises more than King David in the Bible. God called David "a man after my own heart". Yet David greatly disobeyed God and grieved Him terribly. When David realized what he had done, he trusted one thing, and that one thing was that God loved David and David knew it. David sought the Lord in humble confession, God forgave him and graciously restored their relationship.

The same thing is true with us. When we love and forgive, God is over-joyed. When we are vengeful God is grieved. Refusing to forgive is refusing to love—and vice- versa. From personal experience I can tell you that there is nothing heavier than carrying around a load of unforgiveness topped off by a ton or two of lovelessness. You see, when it comes to unforgiveness we do not carry the same amount around each day; rather, what we carry accumulates from day to day until the heaviness finally reaches the point where we are the person we destroy.

Yes, offering others love and forgiveness is no guarantee against hurt. Some people will take advantage of us, and at times we will be the recipient of painful attacks, self-centeredness, jealousy and other expressions of insensitivity.

But our God is a healing God and He does lead us to victory. The best way I know to allow God to handle a situation, however ugly it might be, is to give it to Him in prayer. In the book of Matthew Jesus gives us the perfect prayer for every situation. Let's suppose that a man named Dallas has totally betrayed and destroyed our friendship, trust and sense of relationship. Here is how I would pray:

Our Father in heaven, may your name be made holy in Dallas' life.
May your Kingdom values reign in Dallas' life.
May your perfect will be done in Dallas' life—all of these just as you would have them in heaven.
Give us, Dallas and I both, our daily bread, and forgive us both for our attitude towards you and each other.
Keep me from the temptations of doing and speaking evil toward Dallas, so that in this relationship you may have all the glory. In your name I pray. Amen.

When I pray that way I leave the door open for God to do a healing work in and through me. When I do anything short of that I am simply focusing on things that lead to bitterness and self-destruction.

Few things are more precious than receiving forgiveness; just as precious is our offering forgiveness. And if and when we momentarily struggle and fail, our great and gracious and loving God is there to pick us up and put us back on track so that we may walk once more in the joy of His loving presence.

To love is to forgive, to forgive is to love. Loving and forgiving are the keys to all God's other blessings. So, may you be blest in both your loving and your forgiving.